First Day Tomorrow

Hello my dear readers. I’ve gotten all moved into my apartment, and gotten all my books for classes. I start bright and early tomorrow at 8 am. SO far, everything has been going pretty great. To be honest I didn’t even get books last semester until about three weeks in, so I’ve already got a jump start on last semester by a long shot! Hopefully, that will continue throughout the semester.

Despite the better start I’ve already gotten this semester, I’m still pretty nervous. I don’t really know what to expect from my courses. I can only hope that I haven’t given myself too much of a workload with 21 hours of classes…. I suppose I’ll update tomorrow on how my MWF classes go. TTYL!

Moving In

I’m getting my key to my school apartment tomorrow, and starting to move some stuff in. Dear readers, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m actually looking forward to this upcoming semester. Something seems different about this one. I just feel like this one isn’t going to be so troubled. I’ll be making new friends, taking courses on the opposite side of campus, I’m living somewhere new, and I think its going to be great.

That said, dear readers, I have a lot of stressful times coming up, and I’m honestly not sure how my sense of self or outlook on life are going to be affected, if at all. I can only hope that a fresh view helps me to get out of the rut that college has been for me so far.

Back to School

Well, dear readers. It’s that time of the year again. Back To School Season. I go back in ten days. I move back in in seven days. Exciting, but I can’t help wondering how this semester is going to go…

It seems as if all of my problems bubbled up to the surface and spewed everywhere at college. The problems I had existed and were a part of me long before I go to college, but college just fueled the explosion. I can only hope that this semester will go well.

 

Definition

Hello Dear Readers. Today I would like to ask a question. I could answer it- and will answer it- as it pertains to me, but this question is a question for everyone. A question that can be answered in limitless ways.

Why do we let one thing and one thing alone define us?

What I mean by this question is, why do we let our actions and processes be guided by one certain factor, either in our own personal lives or our public lives? I myself have been folly to that particular outlook many times, and only recently started asking myself why, and asking myself if it was something that I could consciously try and change.

The factor that I let affect my every move, dear readers, is of course depression. Knowing something to be true exacerbates it, in my opinion. Before I had an official diagnosis, I knew I was unusually sad over nothing pretty much all the time, and it reflected in the ways that I approached things- I would be pessimistic, and negative about things. But once I got the diagnosis, things changed.

At this point in my life, things are on the better side of changed- not so when the diagnosis first came about. I didn’t even approach things with negativity any more, mostly because I didn’t approach them at all. I asked myself what the purpose was, and then decided in most cases that there was no reason for me to put any effort into anything that didn’t expressly have some purpose for me to follow.

But why? For me, it’s all about living up to labels, whether good or bad. And for me it goes back to childhood. I am, and most of my friends and acquaintances are, the types of people that let other people’s expectations define them. It’s something that I’m sure the population as a whole could get better at, and it’s something I now strive every day not to do. I don’t want to be a pawn for someone else, I want to carry out my hopes and dreams, and live life in a way that makes me happy, even if it might displease a few people along the way. Dear readers, I can only hope that you all have found, or are finding, a happy place for yourselves, where you can live the life you want to live, and not the life that someone else wants you to live.

Emotions

Hey there, beautiful readers. Today I wanted to talk about emotions. And especially emotions when going through something like depression and trying to regulate and get better. Are they even real?

Some days, I feel nothing at all. It’s as if I’m an empty shell of a person, just moving around like a puppet. Other days, I can go through every emotion I know in the matter of minutes. But no matter the emotional day, I always find myself asking one key question… Are they mine?

Before I started on an antidepressant, I basically never felt anything. So now that I experience such a broad range of emotions on a constant basis, it can be confusing.

I often find that when I am particularly happy or content, I ask myself if it’s actually me being happy and content, or if its just a surge of something from the medicine. If I stopped taking the medicine, would I still have these emotions? And why are there so many of them? Is that actually what I’m feeling, or is that the emotional side affects that can be present while taking that medicine?

Dear readers, as you can probably imagine, such an unstable idea of what’s really going on can be immensely stressful. And at times, I can be very overwhelmed. But I think that even if all of the newfound emotion I have within me is a direct affect of the medication, I can live with that, because for the first time in a long time, I feel more human.

Next time you have an emotional moment, remember this; even if it’s bad, at least it’s there.

Back For Good

Well dear readers, I’m back. Life has been quite turbulent lately, but things have gotten back to normal lately. I’m going to try to get back to posting on a more regular basis again. In the mean time, I’m catching up with an old friend for dinner tonight. We’re going to Applebee’s. I haven’t seen her in a few years, although we’ve made sporadic efforts to chat on Facebook every now and again. So I hope things go well, I need more female friends!

Now that my life is more regulated and I will be getting back into this blog, I just want to say thanks to any readers who also get back into it. I know there aren’t many of you, but you all are wonderful, and it makes me quite happy that anyone bothers to read it! Talk to you later!

 

Back to Normal

Hey there dear readers. First, an apology is due. The past few weeks have been absolutely mad, between finals week, moving back home from college, and starting my new job. So, my apologies for being away so long.

Now, let’s get into normal. What is normal? Well, over the years, I’ve learned that normal is different for every single person. But what is my normal? That, my dear readers, is something that I have yet to learn.

I can remember a time when I felt carefree and light. That is what I am currently striving for. I strive to be as full of ease and comfort in my everyday surroundings as I was back then. That was before I started caring too much about what others thought of me, and putting too much pressure on myself to live up to the expectations of everyone, regardless of the different directions I was being pulled in. That seems to me like it’s how one’s whole life ought to be.

I honestly don’t know if that’s normal or not, but to me, that’s the time in my life when I was happiest. Now, I realize that as an adult, that isn’t necessarily something I may be able to replicate perfectly, but I believe I can reach some version of it. So, dear readers, do not think me naïve for attempting to obtain a goal that isn’t realistic.

Now. How to get there….

It was just a cup of tea, but it was so much more than a cup of tea.

Some days on this journey are harder than others. Some days, dear readers, all I want to do is break down and cry. And on other days, I’m unreachable, flying so high that nothing can bring me down.

I’m here today to tell you about the sweetest, yet most emotional moment of my recent life. Nothing philosophical. Just a snapshot of my life and times.

After being on antidepressants for about two weeks, I had already hit quite the spectrum of highs and lows. I had cried over nothing, I had laughed over nothing. I had sat and stared blankly at nothing for hours, and I had been more productive in one hour than I had in days previous.

On the day in question, dear readers, I was having one of the days where I cried over nothing. I had been feeling particularly lost and empty that day. I don’t know if there was a cause. I don’t know what led up to it. I do know, though, what happened during and after the event.

At some point that day, my wonderful boyfriend came over to visit me. He noticed that I was out of sorts and asked about it. He knows me way too well, despite my initial walls, and although I told him not to worry he still did. Of course he did. That’s just him.

As soon as I said anything, the dam burst. I didn’t even know what to say, and I just started crying. The silent type, you know. Big, fat, angry tears rolling down my cheeks. I wanted to drop through the floor. I hated for anyone to see me like this, and it just made me feel self-conscious. What he did next though completely surprised me. He silently left the room.

I could hear him clunking around in the kitchen, though I had absolutely no idea what he was doing, and quite frankly didn’t care. I just wanted to lie in my warm comfortable bed and keep crying. A few minutes later, however, I was interrupted by a small nudge. I didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but I rolled over and look at him.

Dear readers, this moment was one of the most surprising moments of my life, as well as one of the sweetest. In his hands, held out like the smallest of peace offerings, was a cup of tea. Steaming, fresh brewed, loose leaf tea. I looked up at him, and his face was so full of pure, innocent caring that my heart almost hurt. Here was a human being who cared for me so much that he googled how to brew loose leaf tea for me, because he knew that it would calm me down.

I don’t know what I ever have done to deserve such a pure, wonderful human being, dear readers, but I can tell you that I will absolutely do everything in my power to keep him. It was such a simple gesture, but in that one small gesture he showed me the world.

 

Road blocks and mirrors.

In every part of your life, there will be road blocks. No matter what you are doing. It could be as simple as making a bowl of cereal and finding that you have no milk, or it could be bigger. Something like trying so hard to be happy and finding out that a family member is dying, or your pet ran away. That’s not to say that every road block along the way is going to be huge and life-altering, but there is always something that is going to get in your way.

My own personal road block is, at this moment, self-esteem. Dealing with this thing for so long, and feeling a certain way for so long, has left me largely unable to view myself in a positive light. A huge setback in my journey. Most days, my thought process is something along the lines of “why do I deserve to be happy. I’m too fat to look good, so why bother dressing up. I’m too ugly to love, why bother trying to maintain a relationship”.

As easy as it is to go through life like this, no one can. Know though, dear readers, that having some sort of positive self-image will help massively along the way. When you dress a bit nicer, or put on a dash of lipstick, or even just put on a cute pair of shoes, it makes a world of difference.

You may be thinking “that’s crazy”, but let me tell you a little story about myself.

Just a few weeks ago, I wore sweatpants on the regular. T-shirts and tennis shoes, no makeup, hair in a messy bun. Every day the same. Every day predictable. After taking my medication for a few days, I was already feeling slightly better about life, and seeing a few things differently. I decided to dress up nice, to project some of the things I was feeling.

That day, dear readers, I realized just how much self-image really does mean. I received a couple of compliments that day, mainly on my change in appearance and how it made me look happy. Those compliments made me feel like I was actually worth someone’s second glance or someone’s spare thought. It was an uplifting feeling, and I realized that I wasn’t invisible. Now please don’t mistake compliments as happiness. Happiness is not and should not be based on what other’s think of you or see from you. But, dear readers, do realize that the negative images that others have of you do somewhat affect your own self-views.

Don’t ever give up on yourself just because you think you don’t deserve it. Look in a mirror, look at yourself how someone else might see you. Highlight those things. Highlight something you like about yourself. Like the way you smile? Wear lipstick. Like the way your hair curls at the ends? Wear it down or put a ribbon in it, don’t just pull it back. Little changes all add up, and the mirror outside reflects on the mirror inside.

The garden of life

Dear readers, I consider this path of mine not unlike a garden of stepping stones. I would compare it more to hurdles on a track, but I really don’t enjoy sports. Gardens are so much more calming. Each stone is a new and better me. Seems pretty easy right? What the gardener doesn’t tell you about the garden is that each stone comes with it’s own outside challenge.

The first few stones are always the hardest. The first stone for me was talking to someone. The second stone was to make the doctors appointment. The third and fourth were the actual doctors visit, and picking up my prescription after. If these stones of mine were in the garden, think of it this way. The very first stone would be a leap just big enough to where you don’t know if you can make it. If you miss, there are sharp rocks, bubbling lava, and prickling cacti in the way of your landing.

The next few stones would be similar, maybe slightly closer but surrounded by sharp thorn bushes and burning coals. As you walk through the garden, things slowly get easier, until the end. By the end of the garden, things are settled. Just as in life, things are settled. The stones are perfect stepping distance. They are smooth, so you have no risk of tripping. There may be fragrant flowers all around and a bubbling little stream running alongside. There are swinging benches to stop off at if you get tired.

Now, make no mistake, thinks won’t be perfect, but in comparison to where you started, dear reader, the last few stones are a breezy walk in the park. While the first few may not be done, it’s what you can see ahead that drives you to keep going.