depression · healing · peace · school · self-image

Moving In

I’m getting my key to my school apartment tomorrow, and starting to move some stuff in. Dear readers, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m actually looking forward to this upcoming semester. Something seems different about this one. I just feel like this one isn’t going to be so troubled. I’ll be making new friends, taking courses on the opposite side of campus, I’m living somewhere new, and I think its going to be great.

That said, dear readers, I have a lot of stressful times coming up, and I’m honestly not sure how my sense of self or outlook on life are going to be affected, if at all. I can only hope that a fresh view helps me to get out of the rut that college has been for me so far.

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depression · healing · peace · self-image

Definition

Hello Dear Readers. Today I would like to ask a question. I could answer it- and will answer it- as it pertains to me, but this question is a question for everyone. A question that can be answered in limitless ways.

Why do we let one thing and one thing alone define us?

What I mean by this question is, why do we let our actions and processes be guided by one certain factor, either in our own personal lives or our public lives? I myself have been folly to that particular outlook many times, and only recently started asking myself why, and asking myself if it was something that I could consciously try and change.

The factor that I let affect my every move, dear readers, is of course depression. Knowing something to be true exacerbates it, in my opinion. Before I had an official diagnosis, I knew I was unusually sad over nothing pretty much all the time, and it reflected in the ways that I approached things- I would be pessimistic, and negative about things. But once I got the diagnosis, things changed.

At this point in my life, things are on the better side of changed- not so when the diagnosis first came about. I didn’t even approach things with negativity any more, mostly because I didn’t approach them at all. I asked myself what the purpose was, and then decided in most cases that there was no reason for me to put any effort into anything that didn’t expressly have some purpose for me to follow.

But why? For me, it’s all about living up to labels, whether good or bad. And for me it goes back to childhood. I am, and most of my friends and acquaintances are, the types of people that let other people’s expectations define them. It’s something that I’m sure the population as a whole could get better at, and it’s something I now strive every day not to do. I don’t want to be a pawn for someone else, I want to carry out my hopes and dreams, and live life in a way that makes me happy, even if it might displease a few people along the way. Dear readers, I can only hope that you all have found, or are finding, a happy place for yourselves, where you can live the life you want to live, and not the life that someone else wants you to live.

love · peace

It was just a cup of tea, but it was so much more than a cup of tea.

Some days on this journey are harder than others. Some days, dear readers, all I want to do is break down and cry. And on other days, I’m unreachable, flying so high that nothing can bring me down.

I’m here today to tell you about the sweetest, yet most emotional moment of my recent life.┬áNothing philosophical. Just a snapshot of my life and times.

After being on antidepressants for about two weeks, I had already hit quite the spectrum of highs and lows. I had cried over nothing, I had laughed over nothing. I had sat and stared blankly at nothing for hours, and I had been more productive in one hour than I had in days previous.

On the day in question, dear readers, I was having one of the days where I cried over nothing. I had been feeling particularly lost and empty that day. I don’t know if there was a cause. I don’t know what led up to it. I do know, though, what happened during and after the event.

At some point that day, my wonderful boyfriend came over to visit me. He noticed that I was out of sorts and asked about it. He knows me way too well, despite my initial walls, and although I told him not to worry he still did. Of course he did. That’s just him.

As soon as I said anything, the dam burst. I didn’t even know what to say, and I just started crying. The silent type, you know. Big, fat, angry tears rolling down my cheeks. I wanted to drop through the floor. I hated for anyone to see me like this, and it just made me feel self-conscious. What he did next though completely surprised me. He silently left the room.

I could hear him clunking around in the kitchen, though I had absolutely no idea what he was doing, and quite frankly didn’t care. I just wanted to lie in my warm comfortable bed and keep crying. A few minutes later, however, I was interrupted by a small nudge. I didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but I rolled over and look at him.

Dear readers, this moment was one of the most surprising moments of my life, as well as one of the sweetest. In his hands, held out like the smallest of peace offerings, was a cup of tea. Steaming, fresh brewed, loose leaf tea. I looked up at him, and his face was so full of pure, innocent caring that my heart almost hurt. Here was a human being who cared for me so much that he googled how to brew loose leaf tea for me, because he knew that it would calm me down.

I don’t know what I ever have done to deserve such a pure, wonderful human being, dear readers, but I can tell you that I will absolutely do everything in my power to keep him. It was such a simple gesture, but in that one small gesture he showed me the world.